Now Floating Up and Down, I Spin, Colliding into Sound Like Whale Beneath Me Diving Down

So if you couldn't tell those are lyrics to "Into the Ocean," by Blue October, and well, they're amazing. These are them in their entirety:

I'm just a normal boy 

That sank when I fell overboard

My ship would leave the country

But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again

Wish I was much more masculine

Maybe then I could learn to swim

Like fourteen miles away

Now floating up and down

I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down

I'm sinking to the bottom of my

Everything that freaks me out

The lighthouse beam has just run out

I'm cold as cold as cold can be...

be...

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feel just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up, take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now come down

Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard?

I keep looking each direction

For a spotlight, give me something

I need something for protection

Maybe flotsam, junk will do just fine

the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind

I'm treading for my life, believe me

How can I keep up this breathing?

Not knowing how to think

I scream aloud, begin to sink

My legs and arms are broken down

With envy for the solid ground

I'm reaching for the life within me 

How can one man stop his ending

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up, take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now come down

Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun

I calculate what I had down

Like jumping from the bow, yeah

Just to prove I knew how, yeah

Its midnight's late reminder of 

The loss of her, the one I love

My will to quickly end it all

Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what i feel right now come down

Let the rain come down. 

& for the record, this exactly how I feel at the moment. I was, strangely enough, listening to the radio when this song came on and I just remembered/realized two things: the first is how much I love this song, and the other is that it totally relates to me. I haven't been able to put into words how exactly I've been feeling, but blue october already did it "like I'm falling in the ocean" and how when my depression gets so low that I want the waves to take me down. Its beautimus, and accurate. 

So I did it to myself, and I really shouldn't complain, but I hung out with Anthony, Nikki and Raquel today. & yet again I felt alienated, like an interloper just destined to observe and feel excluded. It was pretty disheartening. But, it made me even more excited for college, so that I can finally stop calling them my best friends, and just step ups from acquaintances, because I honestly don't think that our friendship will last much longer. It just doesn't feel like its there anymore: the connection, the link that held us together, that let us know, with just a look that we were thinking the same thing. And I also realized that Nikki knows how to push my buttons. Like today, she knows that I want to date a certain someone and she said that I was going into a lesbian relationship... so nonchalantly that it just stuck, it made a memory that I won't ever forget because it hurt me, so bad, that someone who knows me so intimately believes that I'm a woman. And that stings, badly. I wish that I could just forgive her for it, but I can't, since I've never thought of myself as being feminine. I may not like sports, but who the fuck cares? There are plenty of men out in the world who are like me, and they are indeed masculine, so I just don't get it. I also realized that I can't talk to her about things anymore. I can't tell her everything thats going on in my life because I no longer feel that quality, that trust, that lets me open up to her. 

Anthony and I are on really bad terms. I mean we barely acknowledged each others existences while we were together, and it really just breaks my heart. I don't know what I did to make him hate me, but as I said I don't have time for people who don't have time for me, so until he changes his fucking attitude I am done with him, and even then... I still might be done with him. 

My final realization, at least in terms of my friendships is that Raquel and I are a lot a like. We go through the same states. And when we're upset we get quiet and need cheering up and inclusion. If anything she will be the longest friend I'll ever have. I really do believe that she and I will stay friends throughout our lives, but to what extent I don't know. I just know that she is the greatest friend I have ever had, and it's really good to know that I have her back. 

Besides that I have really exciting news. I got into my top choice first year seminar! :]

Its pretty awesome as its on the Welfare State of America. It makes me feel accomplished. I also figured out what activities I want to do at Brown. The activities include: 

Crew

Model UN

Ballroom Dance

Journal of World Affairs

UCAAP

Colleges Against Cancer/Relay for Life Committee

I also really want to do Tae kwon do, The Contemporary, and the Brown Concert Agency, but these are less important to me than the others, and I also plan on working, so I have no idea how I'm going to find time to do all of these things. I think I'll be able to do my priority activities and maybe Ballroom dance, and maybe the Contemporary (since its not that often), but besides that I don't know. I figure I can always learn Tae kwon do from a friend, so that should work just fine. 

I originally wanted it to look like this:

Crew

Fencing

Ballroom Dance

Tae Kwon Do

CAC

Model UN

...but that many sports would just kill me, especially if I want to really excel at all of them. & I realized that it would be easier for me to learn how to fence out of college than be a part of a Crew team or Ballroom Dance team, and that I really love writing and politics... so its kind of perfect for me. :]

Anyway. Its getting late. So I should probably just get back to living my life between thoughts. Ciao

You Just Pack Up Your Things and Move On, and Move On, and Move On...

It has been a while since I last posted. And while I've spent most of my time pondering the allusive questions that man seems to conjure ever so often, I have come to realize a few things, namely that I am far more independent and bright than I give myself credit for. 

I've also come to realize that I have so much to say, and so much to elaborate on that it cannot all fit on this small time blog, and I have therefore come to realize that I need to write my novel. If not for the money, which would so greatly be contributed to my education, than at least for my sanity and my sense of worth and accomplishment. No other eyes need ever read it, but I think it will be fun and I think its necessary. 

It's a very jumbled piece at the moment that deals with, essentially, my life, or at least the last 6 years. It is a piece dedicated to what I have been through, with my friends, my family, and myself. Much of it will be based on truth, but the operative word here is based, the second and also very necessary is loosely. It will deal with the trials and tribulations that an actual teen has gone through and what it takes to overcome the hardest parts of ones life, all while trying to establish it for oneself and for the thoughts that plague ones mind. It will also deal with the past, beyond those 6 years, and the future, or what the protagonist hopes for the future. I like the idea, and I hope a publisher will like it too, when the product is complete. I also plan to use some snippets of this blog as a way to decrease the amount of writing I need to complete and to give it a more grounded sense of reality. 

In addition, I want to write another one based on life with my sisters, and life with women in general. A guide for men, if you will, as to what they do and what they mean... I think that will be much better. Its also a tribute to them and all they have done for me. And not to sound like a broken record, but I plan on writing for a magazine or something, attempting to get a column or do something lucrative and admirable. 

I may have fallen deeper in love with Vienna Teng and with Amy Tan. I think they are both incredibly brilliant and skilled and I am adding them to my list of people I want to meet in my lifetime. So far it includes:

Meryl Streep

Anne Hathaway

Natalie Portman

Vienna Teng

Amy Tan

Ian McEwan

Damien Rice

Bobby Jindal

& a few others that don't quite come to mind right-a-way. 

I'm even more ready for college & it has finally set in that I am going to Brown. But has yet to fully set in that I was rejected from Harvard. Speaking of which, I found the decision letter, and rereading it was not good for my mental health. It brought back all my memories, and my hopes and dreams, and it saddens me to think about it now, even more than it did when I was first rejected. Hopefully soon I will be so in love with Brown that Harvard and Yale will no longer mean a thing.

* random tangent. I was talking to Buttercup the other day and she told me that one of her teachers husbands, who went to Yale, walked up to her and told her that she is going to THE GREATEST SCHOOL IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! :D

It was so exciting. Also, big news, Emma Watson, as in Hermione Granger of Harry Potter, will be in my class at Brown, and turned down Yale to do so... I love her, even more so, because she turned down Yale. So awesome!

Yet, and I can't help but talk about it, it is as though all of my friendships have dissipated. 

I still love my friends, and I always will, but the thing is... I'm not really sure we're friends anymore. Anthony and Nikki don't talk to me unless I do it first... which I haven't done in while, so we therefore haven't talked in quite a while, and to be honest, I don't plan to. They can put in some of the effort. But Raquel has been talking to me more than she has in a while, and thats nice, at least I have some human contact. I've therefore come to realize that I have been far too antisocial in my high school career. I only ever really talked to them and a few other people....

So.. I'm going to change that in college. I'm going to be very social and talk to everyone, even people I don't like, just because I need to, for me. 

Right now I have so much running through my head that I can't seem to think cohesively. So when I can, I'll put more up. Until then I will always keep living my life between thoughts. Ciao. 

This Feeling Calls For Everything That I am Not

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBiGrHc0Xy4

Why Do I Put Myself In These Situations

I'm such a creeper. :/

I spent most of today looking at Anthony's and Alyssa's blogs and reading about what they see and how they think... from this past year, and I got really depressed.

Anthony once said that he was fine with letting me and Nikki go for his new friends... which really isn't cool...& crap, I think I'm about to cry over it...anyway he also talked about how he feels distant towards me and I just don't know what I can do, if anything, to salvage the friendship. I've tried being there and including myself in plans so that we can hang out more, but yet again he wants nothing to do with me. If you have ever heard Dane Cook..I'm fucking Brian, or at least that's how I feel. Like I make all the effort to be his best friend and yet he doesn't care or he gives me these looks of disappointment that he has to be around me and I really just want him to be honest with me. 

No. I need him to be honest with me. 

It just reminded me of it, so I felt it needed to be done. Anyway, if he doesn't want to be friends anymore I can take it. I can move on and leave him behind if thats really what he wants. I'm willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to make him happy and it doesn't seem fair, but I don't want to be "best friends" with someone who doesn't even care for me anymore. And I am seriously crying right now as I read this. Which is just making me angry because I hate crying. I don't cry, but lately that's all I feel like doing.

Anyway, I also read Alyssa's blog posts, which pretty much say that she's envious of the connection that Nikki and Anton and I have, but I think she's mistaken because none of us feel that anymore. And its not her fault that she and Anthony have gotten so close, but it makes me feel like he's found my replacement or something. And if you understood our friendship you wold know that we are like twins. We used to just look at each other and think of the same thing, but that just doesn't happen anymore, and that's why I think I'm so upset. Because it's more than me just losing my best friend, its like I'm losing a part of myself. 

And I suppose I wanted to discover these blogs so that I could maybe understand a little bit better what they are really thinking that they can't tell me. And this stems from the past few weeks, but especially today. Alyssa, Anthony, Riki, Madilynn and I were studying for European History after school today because we all need to do really well on the final because our teacher is a bitch, but anyway. They had all gotten to Antons house before me and I was running errands at the school and so I text him if we were studying, and his response was more or less one out of pity. That read "well we just got here if you want to come." Which I took to mean "we're studying, and you can crash our plans if you want to, but you're really not invited."

I mean they started talking about all of these plans and adventures and things that they were doing and going on and all I could do was stand there and hope that they would include me, but of course they didn't and they won't, because they don't want me around. & wow. I feel really pathetic right now. 

But I know that I'm at least half right. Because, again you have to understand, we used to text each other every 5 minutes, and now even if I make the first attempt they usually don't respond and it just makes me feel even more unwanted. I have to rely on their facebook status' in order to know what's going on in there lives. :/

So maybe I'll take a page from Brandi Carlile and just announce that, "I'm too proud to beg for your attention, and your friendship, and your time. So you can come and get it from now on." And that's just what I plan to do, ignore them and take myself out of the equation. If they want me to be in there lives its up to them to make the move otherwise I'll just fade out and be content with the fact that I did all that I could and I left it in their hands. 

Also I let someone I know in on this blog. I figure she can keep secrets pretty well, and she already knows more about me than most of my friends, so really what's the harm? She's amazing, and I kind of let her in on it by following her blog and making it public. If she reads this I don't know, but at least it lets me get some of this off my chest. 

On a brighter note. I figured out my course load for all of next year. I'm very excited! I hope that it will be okay. 

Well until next, I'll keep living my life between thoughts.

This is the sound of settling

I'm getting on better terms with my friends- SWEET - but at the same time it really sucks because we're all going off to college in a few months. 

So yesterday we had this incredible end of crap party, which was so much fun, but like always I get the feeling that I'm just not wanted. & I don't know. I guess its more than just a feeling, its something I just can't explain. & this leads to awkward moments of quiet me because it should not just be up to me to try and feel included, but thats what its like, I have to be the one to make all the effort.

&&& after reading Alyssa's blog today, I realized how little I'm considered as a part of Anthony's life by his family.

I mean we're best friends & he and Alyssa have only been real friends since like October, and yet she gets cards and money from his family for graduating, & it's not that I expect that stuff from them, but it just makes me feel weird because it's the thought and the gesture that counts. Now I know that they didn't always like me & I sometimes wonder if they even do now, but I mean... I thought we had all moved past it. & I think it makes Anton feel weird because he has made it perfectly clear that Nikki & I are at the "best friends" level & Alyssa is just a really close friend. So it's a weird situation....

 

&&&  back to the loving place. 

So today it was confirmed that I'm going to be an uncle again!!!! & it's Hopies!!! (She's my favorite sister & my best friend). And I found out at my nephews 5th birthday party. All of this stuff is just happening so quickly in my family. 

First Hilary has baby Ziva

Then Hayley graduates from Law School

Then She gets married

Then I am the most recognized person at senior awards night, which was awesome by the way

Then my nephew turns 5

Then my sister is prego

Then I graduate from High School

Then my sister & brother-in-law graduate from college

Then I turn 18

...it's just such an eventful year..& slightly ridiculous. 

I think that my mind is too cluttered at the moment to make anything really cognizant or fully comprehensible to be written so I'll come back when I can fully put everything down without my mind going 12374891247891724927893401 miles per minute.

So until next I'll keep living my life between thoughts. 

I feel soooooo untouched...

I have low self-esteem. This is a fact. 

The problem is that I don't know why. & I suppose that I just overanalyze things, which is a huge problem, but over-analyzation can't be the only factor in my depression. 

I guess I'm just done with everything right now. School, friendships, my parents, work, extra-curriculars, honestly everything. The only people I really get excited about anymore are the friends that I'll be going to Brown with next year. 

Like, there is this girl, Rémy, and she is incredible. I mean truly incredible. She is bright, funny, smart, absolutely stunning, and really just perfect in every way. & if you couldn't tell I do have sort of a thing for her. Which is probably unrequited, but I think I would be okay with that as long as we can be friends...

Actually...no. I'm going to work on this, because I'm tired of just being the friend. We'll see. 

Anyway, she is just a prime example of what I'm excited for, the people I'll be surrounded by in college. 

.......................................................................................

Now I suppose it will be better for my thought processes if I tell the backstory to why I am undergoing a wave of self depreciation (which isn't really much of a story). 

Tonight I went out with A, N, & R, which is sweet & was so incredible because it was the first time we went out for the longest time & it felt nice, but something was missing. Anyway, we were at Red Robin enjoying ourselves and talking about random things from school, to work, to politics, to religion, to porn to everything, and Raq felt it necessary to ask me why I chose Brown over Dartmouth. 

Because I really was in love with Dartmouth for the longest time. I mean, I still am, but I do really love Brown too & I just think it's a better place for me... well as we hadn't spoken in so long she thought it was just a really quick & spontaneous thing, like I was set on Dartmouth & then the next second I committed to Brown, when in fact it took me weeks of deep thought. I mean I talked to anyone and everyone about it & then went to see the colleges and determined which place was better & so I went with it. 

But Anton had to say that it wasn't an impulsive decision because I had been thinking of it for weeks BUT that not everyone agreed with it...as in none of them like the fact that that is the school I am going to. & I guess I read into it that they really don't care about it or me, because I didn't pick the school they wanted me too. I mean not one of them has ever been excited for me about Brown & whenever I bring it up they all have really glossed over eyes. 

I just want a little excitement. Is it really too much to ask for? I mean none of them wanted Nikki to go to Wellesley but that's where she is going & whenever she talks about it they are so ecstatic for her. Maybe I'm reading too much into this? I'm not quite sure. I just want my friends to be supportive of me and my decisions and my future & its as if they could care less, which irritates me and infuriates me to no avail. & I don't think they realize just how hard it was for me to make that decision. It was probably the hardest decision of my life & they just don't have any sympathy for it & sometimes when I really analyze what I've been able to accomplish versus the rest of my friends and my school for that matter I really stand out & so sometimes I think that they are just jealous, but I have esteem issues which thus leads me to believe that no one cares. No one cares what I do or what I accomplish because I'm not a significant part of their lives...

& what makes things worse is how pathetic I am over this and other things regarding it. 

Like so many people have never even heard of Brown or if they have they don't know where it is...which is almost as bad. But more than that is the fact that when my friends have signed my yearbook they will say that I'm awesome not because of what makes me me with my intellect or kindness & the rest of my nature but have just said that its because I'm sweet. 

Well great. Fucking fantastic. I'm sweet, what is that going to do for me? Past experience warrants nothing except make people think I'm gay... so fantastic. Since no girl ever seems interested in me or they just want to be friends. Because that is what I am: the friend & nothing more. All I really want is for me to be into someone who likes me back. Is that too much to ask for? I really don't think it is & I find it so hard to make it change...except maybe plastic surgery. I'm lonely... to the point that it hurts. I'm bitter, jaded, depreciated, sad, and aesthetically displeasing... so fuck my life. 

This all sums up why I have such low self-esteem & why I am done with everything. 

Again, til next time I'll be living my life between thoughts.

Update

Gravity

Lets begin with the beauty that is Vienna Teng:

Now that we've done that...

I have come to the conclusion that I need to be in college already. 

I need to be away from my "friends." & 3000 miles is a great distance. 

Again I love them, they're amazing, but they don't deserve what I offer them. I mean every time I talk about Brown they're never genuinely excited about it. They're not excited that I got in to the schools I did. & I wonder if its just that they're jealous? Or if they just don't care. 

But, and there is always a but, at least they know how ridiculously prestigious Brown is. I only mention this because it has been really sad for me to talk to people and have the question: "So where are you going to college?" come up and once I tell them they just say "oh... is that a good school? Is it better than UNLV?.."

& I just have to look at them in awe as to how they don't know how ridiculous it is that I got in there. & it kind of makes me wish that I had picked Stanford, just because I KNOW everyone has heard of it... but that would be really lame of me, and I do know that. Stanford's just not right for me. 

Which leads me to my next point.

I'm still really bitter about college admissions. & I hope that I don't bore anyone or sound like a broken record and complainer or anything... but I'm not even that upset about Harvard. I mean, yes, it was my dream school for 14 years & it was crushing when I didn't get in & yes, I am still bitter when I talk to people who did get in, I kind of have a right to be (14 years). 

But-the great verbal eraser-..I'm more upset about not getting into Yale. 

I freaking LOVE that school. & I can't talk to my friends about it, because they would just criticize me about it & make fun of me & make me feel worthless... which they do anyway... and I really don't want to add fuel to the fire.

I guess it would just be worse, somehow. But back to Yale. I really love that school & had I gotten in I know I would have picked it because it is a much better fit for me than any school I got into. & that makes me wonder if I should transfer after my freshman year? I don't know. I guess we'll just have to see how much I love Brown. & I know that I will love it & truly comprehend that I'm going to such a great school once I get there, but at the same accord it wouldn't be that hard to believe had I gotten into Yale... if that makes any sense. I just feel like that is where I belong & I keep meditating on it and praying about it & I keep getting the impression that it is the school I should have gotten into & this makes me really sad that I didn't. It also makes me feel like a douche because I got into 6 incredibly prestigious schools- 3 ivies and Stanford that make up the most of it- that people would kill to go to & I feel like my spot at those schools would be better served to someone else & I would gladly give up all of my admissions to get into the one school that I really want to be at. 

Moving on... 

So no one really knows about this, the blog that is. Nikki knows that I have one. But she doesn't know what its called or how to find it & she shouldn't know because that would defeat the purpose of this. To vent. To let out all of my aggressions and problems and just let them go, to let them evaporate from the drumming of my keys into the interwebed atmosphere. 

I've also come to recognize that besides this, my only solace is Vienna Teng, City & Colour, and Brandi Carlile. Its as if I can't listen to any other music because its just not right for me. 

I suppose its getting late and I should start on my homework that I've been putting off for the last 3 weeks. :/

I'm so behind. oh well. I put it on myself. 

Until next time. I'll keep living my life between thoughts. Au Revoir.

Wasted

I have come to the conclusion that this year has been wasted for my friends foursome of awesomeness. 

I wrote before about how when Nikki, Raquel, Anthony & I get together we are like magic, we fit perfectly together & I realized how through NONE of this year were we all together. 

For a while Nikki & I were friends with Raquel, up until about January & I know that we all miss each other & it's really sad & we all want things to be back the way they were... but they just aren't and they never will be. I really don't know what to do. I want to be with Raquel again, because without her we're lopsided. Really we are. Raquel & I are full of ourselves & Nikki & Anthony are complete dicks & so if its just 3 of us it's a little too much & we just fight, but when it was all 4 of us we are great. 

Now obviously if its 2 of us at a time we're fine, but if it were me, R & N, me & R would gang up on Nikki... and thats what it used to be like when we were all together & now its usually me, N, A, & Alyssa (who really is Anthony as a woman) so though I love them all I always feel like an outsider & completely under-appreciated... & I shouldn't feel like that when I'm with my best friends, right?

I mean.. look at today. We watched Closer & Saved, two of my all time favorite movies & I was talking through some of it & they were yelling at me to shut up & though I understand their frustration it wasn't just a hey stop talking, THEY kept going on about it on how I just love to talk during this and that & how I ruin things... & I know that I act like I don't care.. but I do. It really hurts me when they do things like that and I know that they're just poking fun at me... sometimes... but after a while it just hurts. I try to remind myself of the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." & It makes me wonder if perhaps I subconsciously give my consent? 

I don't know if they realize that I have low self-esteem issues, though we've spoken about it & I'm sure they do, but they have really bad memories & I know that they don't listen to me when I speak. Which leads me to another issue I have.

I ALWAYS listen to every thing they say & I recall it. I know about them oh so well, but for much of what I say they just ignore me & go on about something else, again making me feel worthless. This is not something I ever had a problem with Raquel, we would always talk because we would always listen. The only person A will listen to is N & vice versa, which is why our foursome worked so well. 

&& I'm afraid that unless we all get back together soon, I will be an outsider too. I can't be friends with them if things  continue the way they do. It brings me down too much. I guess I'll see what happens & see if they recognize my validity as a friend and even more so as a person. But to be honest, I know they wont, & I know that if they had to choose between me & changing their banter they would dispose of me in a second. 

Until next time, still living life between thoughts. 

Confessions

I've been up for days, trying to find a way

To write this confession down

Seems every line I writes a mess

At least this I'll admit

For what I've done I am not proud

There's no need to pretend

No need for innocence

I've got to be honest now

My verdict has come in it says I'm guilty for my sins this time

I thought I could escape, but then I finally felt the weight of my crimes

Its passion, it's not love, infatuation never ends up right

At least I won't be alone tonight

Cause I don't want to be alone tonight

The prosecution rests, with convincing evidence

But it seems I've been deceived

So now I stand alone

& wait for the first stone

to be cast upon me

My verdict has come in it says I'm guilty for my sins this time

I thought I could escape, but then I finally felt the weight of my crimes

Its passion, it's not love, infatuation never ends up right

At least I won't be alone tonight

Cause I don't want to be alone tonight

--------------------------------------------------------

This pretty much sums up my life right now

I can't believe that I was suspended over a pass

I can't believe that no one that I thought would be concerned has been

It just goes to show, I can't count on anyone anymore

I know that I should be excited for life & for my friends, but I'm not

I should be enthused that Nikki will be an hour away from me at Wellesley, & though I'm glad we'll get to see each other, I wish I was closer to Raquel. I just wish that I knew how she felt about me... & I don't. 

I'm over life right now.

But things will be better, right?

They have to be. 

I guess until next time I'm still living life between thoughts. 

A Haunted Man Who Can't Out Run His Ghosts

So... I'm very open about how little I like myself. People often tell me how much they admire me or love me or appreciate me and even what they think about me: I'm brilliant, I'm good looking, I'm strange, I'm random, I'm this and I'm that, and besides the strange and random I don't believe them. Friends and family will always tell you what they think you want to hear, but I just want to know the truth. I know that I'm smart and that I have an ego (which I actually use as a defense mechanism as a way of protecting myself), but I don't know to what extent. I freak out over the smallest of things and though I say I don't, I care too much about what people think. 

I'm loud, obnoxious, annoying at times, funny at others, accommodating and a door mat. 

I hate myself and it is for this reason that I have often had thoughts about killing myself. 

Really healthy, right?

I also listen to people a little too much and I let what they think affect me. Take my relationship with Nikki as an example. I love her to death and would do anything for her, but I know that she will lie to me. She once told me that she never thought I was that feminine, but later on and in her own blog, she talks about how I am. But I don't even realize it. I don't know how I act or behave and people often mistake me for being gay and I just don't get it. I really don't. & it seems like no matter what I do people will always judge me a certain way. 

I know that my child hood affected me SO much, but I didn't think it really changed that much about me as to make people think of me in a different way.

Again, I'm random, and I will type what I'm thinking at the moment, therefore I need to vent on how much I think of myself as a door mat. 

I let people walk all over me and I do find it hard for me to stand up for myself. My best friends are ridiculously condescending to me and though I love them I often wish to tell them to just go fuck themselves with their haughty opinions that I really don't want to hear. They think in a single closed minded way, but say they are open to new thoughts. Not only are they condescending but apparent hypocrites. And again I do love them deeply, but I often think that I'm just a "Karen," a friend they just keep around 1. because I'm there and 2. because they like to feel better about themselves by talking about me behind my back. Now whether or not this is actually the case I cannot be certain, it is simply what I think and how I feel. 

My friends often bring me down, usually Nikki & Anthony, and again I don't know if it's intentional or if they are just joking but they have a way of making me feel worthless. The only friend I have even had that has made me feel like I'm not something to be ashamed of, besides my sisters-who I will talk about later, is Raquel and I barely speak to her anymore. 

I love her and I miss her and I want things to just be the way they used to be, before she started dating Michael, but they will never be like that and I just can't... do anything. I want to be her best friend and I know that we both think of each other that way, but it's so hard to do anything with her or for her because I know she's always thinking about or talking about Michael. And I'm happy for her that she's in love, but she's become a 40 year old married woman whose life revolves around her husband. Her life revolves around Michael...and I guess my problem is that I don't feel like she has room in it for me anymore. I miss her like you would never believe and it pangs me to look at pictures or even talk to her without crying. I need her in my life, especially if I'm going to be as close to Nikki and Anthony as I am. 

It's always been Nikki & Anthony and they tell each other EVERYTHING, I can't do that with anyone, the only person I have ever really done that with has been Raquel. In our foursome it was the two of them and the two of us and we balanced each other out, we were a foursome of amazingness. And though I love Alyssa and I love that she has become one of my closest friends, I feel that A & N have tried replacing Rah, with Alyssa. I feel like they just don't care about her anymore, and I just find it hard to be close with Alyssa without feeling like I'm cheating on Raquel somehow. 

Moving on...

School sucks and I can't wait to graduate. I have so many problems right now. & I have missed a RIDICULOUS amount of school, though for legit reasons, I just can't seem to get into the same academic mind set that I was once in and it hurts me. I don't care about school anymore, and I know that so much of it has to do with what I've been dealing with regarding my crazy APAH teacher and my schools administration and their attempt to make my life a living hell. 

I so very much want to be at Brown. I'm glad that I made my choice and it fits, though I find myself questioning whether or not I should have chosen Dartmouth or Stanford or Cornell or my full ride to Fordham or if I should have applied to schools that I didn't? But then I realize that I made my choice and I'm happy. I get to go to the best school for me, if not the best school in the entire world for an undergraduate education, and its great. It feels weird now, but soon enough I'll be where I KNOW I'm meant to be. 

I think I'm done for now. I need to do homework and get some sleep. So until next time, I'm just living my life between thoughts. 

A New Beginning

So this is new for me. 

I mean, I've written things before, on different websites, but I've never really had a blog and I have come to realize that I could really use one. 

I know that there are many things wrong in my life and I know that if I can just get my thoughts down than it will be a great catharsis. 

I'm not anticipating anyone to read this... unless I happen to one day tell someone that I have a blog, but I doubt that will happen. I keep things in. I keep secrets. & thusly I have this blog to help me figure things out.

I don't really want to continue on this way for my opening post, so I suppose I'll just say "welcome, read if it's your wish, but realize that I barely understand my own mind, so I don't expect you to." :]