A Haunted Man Who Can't Out Run His Ghosts

So... I'm very open about how little I like myself. People often tell me how much they admire me or love me or appreciate me and even what they think about me: I'm brilliant, I'm good looking, I'm strange, I'm random, I'm this and I'm that, and besides the strange and random I don't believe them. Friends and family will always tell you what they think you want to hear, but I just want to know the truth. I know that I'm smart and that I have an ego (which I actually use as a defense mechanism as a way of protecting myself), but I don't know to what extent. I freak out over the smallest of things and though I say I don't, I care too much about what people think. 

I'm loud, obnoxious, annoying at times, funny at others, accommodating and a door mat. 

I hate myself and it is for this reason that I have often had thoughts about killing myself. 

Really healthy, right?

I also listen to people a little too much and I let what they think affect me. Take my relationship with Nikki as an example. I love her to death and would do anything for her, but I know that she will lie to me. She once told me that she never thought I was that feminine, but later on and in her own blog, she talks about how I am. But I don't even realize it. I don't know how I act or behave and people often mistake me for being gay and I just don't get it. I really don't. & it seems like no matter what I do people will always judge me a certain way. 

I know that my child hood affected me SO much, but I didn't think it really changed that much about me as to make people think of me in a different way.

Again, I'm random, and I will type what I'm thinking at the moment, therefore I need to vent on how much I think of myself as a door mat. 

I let people walk all over me and I do find it hard for me to stand up for myself. My best friends are ridiculously condescending to me and though I love them I often wish to tell them to just go fuck themselves with their haughty opinions that I really don't want to hear. They think in a single closed minded way, but say they are open to new thoughts. Not only are they condescending but apparent hypocrites. And again I do love them deeply, but I often think that I'm just a "Karen," a friend they just keep around 1. because I'm there and 2. because they like to feel better about themselves by talking about me behind my back. Now whether or not this is actually the case I cannot be certain, it is simply what I think and how I feel. 

My friends often bring me down, usually Nikki & Anthony, and again I don't know if it's intentional or if they are just joking but they have a way of making me feel worthless. The only friend I have even had that has made me feel like I'm not something to be ashamed of, besides my sisters-who I will talk about later, is Raquel and I barely speak to her anymore. 

I love her and I miss her and I want things to just be the way they used to be, before she started dating Michael, but they will never be like that and I just can't... do anything. I want to be her best friend and I know that we both think of each other that way, but it's so hard to do anything with her or for her because I know she's always thinking about or talking about Michael. And I'm happy for her that she's in love, but she's become a 40 year old married woman whose life revolves around her husband. Her life revolves around Michael...and I guess my problem is that I don't feel like she has room in it for me anymore. I miss her like you would never believe and it pangs me to look at pictures or even talk to her without crying. I need her in my life, especially if I'm going to be as close to Nikki and Anthony as I am. 

It's always been Nikki & Anthony and they tell each other EVERYTHING, I can't do that with anyone, the only person I have ever really done that with has been Raquel. In our foursome it was the two of them and the two of us and we balanced each other out, we were a foursome of amazingness. And though I love Alyssa and I love that she has become one of my closest friends, I feel that A & N have tried replacing Rah, with Alyssa. I feel like they just don't care about her anymore, and I just find it hard to be close with Alyssa without feeling like I'm cheating on Raquel somehow. 

Moving on...

School sucks and I can't wait to graduate. I have so many problems right now. & I have missed a RIDICULOUS amount of school, though for legit reasons, I just can't seem to get into the same academic mind set that I was once in and it hurts me. I don't care about school anymore, and I know that so much of it has to do with what I've been dealing with regarding my crazy APAH teacher and my schools administration and their attempt to make my life a living hell. 

I so very much want to be at Brown. I'm glad that I made my choice and it fits, though I find myself questioning whether or not I should have chosen Dartmouth or Stanford or Cornell or my full ride to Fordham or if I should have applied to schools that I didn't? But then I realize that I made my choice and I'm happy. I get to go to the best school for me, if not the best school in the entire world for an undergraduate education, and its great. It feels weird now, but soon enough I'll be where I KNOW I'm meant to be. 

I think I'm done for now. I need to do homework and get some sleep. So until next time, I'm just living my life between thoughts.