Now Floating Up and Down, I Spin, Colliding into Sound Like Whale Beneath Me Diving Down

So if you couldn't tell those are lyrics to "Into the Ocean," by Blue October, and well, they're amazing. These are them in their entirety:

I'm just a normal boy 

That sank when I fell overboard

My ship would leave the country

But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again

Wish I was much more masculine

Maybe then I could learn to swim

Like fourteen miles away

Now floating up and down

I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down

I'm sinking to the bottom of my

Everything that freaks me out

The lighthouse beam has just run out

I'm cold as cold as cold can be...

be...

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feel just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up, take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now come down

Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard?

I keep looking each direction

For a spotlight, give me something

I need something for protection

Maybe flotsam, junk will do just fine

the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind

I'm treading for my life, believe me

How can I keep up this breathing?

Not knowing how to think

I scream aloud, begin to sink

My legs and arms are broken down

With envy for the solid ground

I'm reaching for the life within me 

How can one man stop his ending

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up, take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now come down

Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun

I calculate what I had down

Like jumping from the bow, yeah

Just to prove I knew how, yeah

Its midnight's late reminder of 

The loss of her, the one I love

My will to quickly end it all

Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what i feel right now come down

Let the rain come down. 

& for the record, this exactly how I feel at the moment. I was, strangely enough, listening to the radio when this song came on and I just remembered/realized two things: the first is how much I love this song, and the other is that it totally relates to me. I haven't been able to put into words how exactly I've been feeling, but blue october already did it "like I'm falling in the ocean" and how when my depression gets so low that I want the waves to take me down. Its beautimus, and accurate. 

So I did it to myself, and I really shouldn't complain, but I hung out with Anthony, Nikki and Raquel today. & yet again I felt alienated, like an interloper just destined to observe and feel excluded. It was pretty disheartening. But, it made me even more excited for college, so that I can finally stop calling them my best friends, and just step ups from acquaintances, because I honestly don't think that our friendship will last much longer. It just doesn't feel like its there anymore: the connection, the link that held us together, that let us know, with just a look that we were thinking the same thing. And I also realized that Nikki knows how to push my buttons. Like today, she knows that I want to date a certain someone and she said that I was going into a lesbian relationship... so nonchalantly that it just stuck, it made a memory that I won't ever forget because it hurt me, so bad, that someone who knows me so intimately believes that I'm a woman. And that stings, badly. I wish that I could just forgive her for it, but I can't, since I've never thought of myself as being feminine. I may not like sports, but who the fuck cares? There are plenty of men out in the world who are like me, and they are indeed masculine, so I just don't get it. I also realized that I can't talk to her about things anymore. I can't tell her everything thats going on in my life because I no longer feel that quality, that trust, that lets me open up to her. 

Anthony and I are on really bad terms. I mean we barely acknowledged each others existences while we were together, and it really just breaks my heart. I don't know what I did to make him hate me, but as I said I don't have time for people who don't have time for me, so until he changes his fucking attitude I am done with him, and even then... I still might be done with him. 

My final realization, at least in terms of my friendships is that Raquel and I are a lot a like. We go through the same states. And when we're upset we get quiet and need cheering up and inclusion. If anything she will be the longest friend I'll ever have. I really do believe that she and I will stay friends throughout our lives, but to what extent I don't know. I just know that she is the greatest friend I have ever had, and it's really good to know that I have her back. 

Besides that I have really exciting news. I got into my top choice first year seminar! :]

Its pretty awesome as its on the Welfare State of America. It makes me feel accomplished. I also figured out what activities I want to do at Brown. The activities include: 

Crew

Model UN

Ballroom Dance

Journal of World Affairs

UCAAP

Colleges Against Cancer/Relay for Life Committee

I also really want to do Tae kwon do, The Contemporary, and the Brown Concert Agency, but these are less important to me than the others, and I also plan on working, so I have no idea how I'm going to find time to do all of these things. I think I'll be able to do my priority activities and maybe Ballroom dance, and maybe the Contemporary (since its not that often), but besides that I don't know. I figure I can always learn Tae kwon do from a friend, so that should work just fine. 

I originally wanted it to look like this:

Crew

Fencing

Ballroom Dance

Tae Kwon Do

CAC

Model UN

...but that many sports would just kill me, especially if I want to really excel at all of them. & I realized that it would be easier for me to learn how to fence out of college than be a part of a Crew team or Ballroom Dance team, and that I really love writing and politics... so its kind of perfect for me. :]

Anyway. Its getting late. So I should probably just get back to living my life between thoughts. Ciao

You Just Pack Up Your Things and Move On, and Move On, and Move On...

It has been a while since I last posted. And while I've spent most of my time pondering the allusive questions that man seems to conjure ever so often, I have come to realize a few things, namely that I am far more independent and bright than I give myself credit for. 

I've also come to realize that I have so much to say, and so much to elaborate on that it cannot all fit on this small time blog, and I have therefore come to realize that I need to write my novel. If not for the money, which would so greatly be contributed to my education, than at least for my sanity and my sense of worth and accomplishment. No other eyes need ever read it, but I think it will be fun and I think its necessary. 

It's a very jumbled piece at the moment that deals with, essentially, my life, or at least the last 6 years. It is a piece dedicated to what I have been through, with my friends, my family, and myself. Much of it will be based on truth, but the operative word here is based, the second and also very necessary is loosely. It will deal with the trials and tribulations that an actual teen has gone through and what it takes to overcome the hardest parts of ones life, all while trying to establish it for oneself and for the thoughts that plague ones mind. It will also deal with the past, beyond those 6 years, and the future, or what the protagonist hopes for the future. I like the idea, and I hope a publisher will like it too, when the product is complete. I also plan to use some snippets of this blog as a way to decrease the amount of writing I need to complete and to give it a more grounded sense of reality. 

In addition, I want to write another one based on life with my sisters, and life with women in general. A guide for men, if you will, as to what they do and what they mean... I think that will be much better. Its also a tribute to them and all they have done for me. And not to sound like a broken record, but I plan on writing for a magazine or something, attempting to get a column or do something lucrative and admirable. 

I may have fallen deeper in love with Vienna Teng and with Amy Tan. I think they are both incredibly brilliant and skilled and I am adding them to my list of people I want to meet in my lifetime. So far it includes:

Meryl Streep

Anne Hathaway

Natalie Portman

Vienna Teng

Amy Tan

Ian McEwan

Damien Rice

Bobby Jindal

& a few others that don't quite come to mind right-a-way. 

I'm even more ready for college & it has finally set in that I am going to Brown. But has yet to fully set in that I was rejected from Harvard. Speaking of which, I found the decision letter, and rereading it was not good for my mental health. It brought back all my memories, and my hopes and dreams, and it saddens me to think about it now, even more than it did when I was first rejected. Hopefully soon I will be so in love with Brown that Harvard and Yale will no longer mean a thing.

* random tangent. I was talking to Buttercup the other day and she told me that one of her teachers husbands, who went to Yale, walked up to her and told her that she is going to THE GREATEST SCHOOL IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! :D

It was so exciting. Also, big news, Emma Watson, as in Hermione Granger of Harry Potter, will be in my class at Brown, and turned down Yale to do so... I love her, even more so, because she turned down Yale. So awesome!

Yet, and I can't help but talk about it, it is as though all of my friendships have dissipated. 

I still love my friends, and I always will, but the thing is... I'm not really sure we're friends anymore. Anthony and Nikki don't talk to me unless I do it first... which I haven't done in while, so we therefore haven't talked in quite a while, and to be honest, I don't plan to. They can put in some of the effort. But Raquel has been talking to me more than she has in a while, and thats nice, at least I have some human contact. I've therefore come to realize that I have been far too antisocial in my high school career. I only ever really talked to them and a few other people....

So.. I'm going to change that in college. I'm going to be very social and talk to everyone, even people I don't like, just because I need to, for me. 

Right now I have so much running through my head that I can't seem to think cohesively. So when I can, I'll put more up. Until then I will always keep living my life between thoughts. Ciao. 

This Feeling Calls For Everything That I am Not

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBiGrHc0Xy4

Why Do I Put Myself In These Situations

I'm such a creeper. :/

I spent most of today looking at Anthony's and Alyssa's blogs and reading about what they see and how they think... from this past year, and I got really depressed.

Anthony once said that he was fine with letting me and Nikki go for his new friends... which really isn't cool...& crap, I think I'm about to cry over it...anyway he also talked about how he feels distant towards me and I just don't know what I can do, if anything, to salvage the friendship. I've tried being there and including myself in plans so that we can hang out more, but yet again he wants nothing to do with me. If you have ever heard Dane Cook..I'm fucking Brian, or at least that's how I feel. Like I make all the effort to be his best friend and yet he doesn't care or he gives me these looks of disappointment that he has to be around me and I really just want him to be honest with me. 

No. I need him to be honest with me. 

It just reminded me of it, so I felt it needed to be done. Anyway, if he doesn't want to be friends anymore I can take it. I can move on and leave him behind if thats really what he wants. I'm willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to make him happy and it doesn't seem fair, but I don't want to be "best friends" with someone who doesn't even care for me anymore. And I am seriously crying right now as I read this. Which is just making me angry because I hate crying. I don't cry, but lately that's all I feel like doing.

Anyway, I also read Alyssa's blog posts, which pretty much say that she's envious of the connection that Nikki and Anton and I have, but I think she's mistaken because none of us feel that anymore. And its not her fault that she and Anthony have gotten so close, but it makes me feel like he's found my replacement or something. And if you understood our friendship you wold know that we are like twins. We used to just look at each other and think of the same thing, but that just doesn't happen anymore, and that's why I think I'm so upset. Because it's more than me just losing my best friend, its like I'm losing a part of myself. 

And I suppose I wanted to discover these blogs so that I could maybe understand a little bit better what they are really thinking that they can't tell me. And this stems from the past few weeks, but especially today. Alyssa, Anthony, Riki, Madilynn and I were studying for European History after school today because we all need to do really well on the final because our teacher is a bitch, but anyway. They had all gotten to Antons house before me and I was running errands at the school and so I text him if we were studying, and his response was more or less one out of pity. That read "well we just got here if you want to come." Which I took to mean "we're studying, and you can crash our plans if you want to, but you're really not invited."

I mean they started talking about all of these plans and adventures and things that they were doing and going on and all I could do was stand there and hope that they would include me, but of course they didn't and they won't, because they don't want me around. & wow. I feel really pathetic right now. 

But I know that I'm at least half right. Because, again you have to understand, we used to text each other every 5 minutes, and now even if I make the first attempt they usually don't respond and it just makes me feel even more unwanted. I have to rely on their facebook status' in order to know what's going on in there lives. :/

So maybe I'll take a page from Brandi Carlile and just announce that, "I'm too proud to beg for your attention, and your friendship, and your time. So you can come and get it from now on." And that's just what I plan to do, ignore them and take myself out of the equation. If they want me to be in there lives its up to them to make the move otherwise I'll just fade out and be content with the fact that I did all that I could and I left it in their hands. 

Also I let someone I know in on this blog. I figure she can keep secrets pretty well, and she already knows more about me than most of my friends, so really what's the harm? She's amazing, and I kind of let her in on it by following her blog and making it public. If she reads this I don't know, but at least it lets me get some of this off my chest. 

On a brighter note. I figured out my course load for all of next year. I'm very excited! I hope that it will be okay. 

Well until next, I'll keep living my life between thoughts.