I'm such a creeper. :/
I spent most of today looking at Anthony's and Alyssa's blogs and reading about what they see and how they think... from this past year, and I got really depressed.
Anthony once said that he was fine with letting me and Nikki go for his new friends... which really isn't cool...& crap, I think I'm about to cry over it...anyway he also talked about how he feels distant towards me and I just don't know what I can do, if anything, to salvage the friendship. I've tried being there and including myself in plans so that we can hang out more, but yet again he wants nothing to do with me. If you have ever heard Dane Cook..I'm fucking Brian, or at least that's how I feel. Like I make all the effort to be his best friend and yet he doesn't care or he gives me these looks of disappointment that he has to be around me and I really just want him to be honest with me.
No. I need him to be honest with me.
It just reminded me of it, so I felt it needed to be done. Anyway, if he doesn't want to be friends anymore I can take it. I can move on and leave him behind if thats really what he wants. I'm willing to sacrifice my friendship with him to make him happy and it doesn't seem fair, but I don't want to be "best friends" with someone who doesn't even care for me anymore. And I am seriously crying right now as I read this. Which is just making me angry because I hate crying. I don't cry, but lately that's all I feel like doing.
Anyway, I also read Alyssa's blog posts, which pretty much say that she's envious of the connection that Nikki and Anton and I have, but I think she's mistaken because none of us feel that anymore. And its not her fault that she and Anthony have gotten so close, but it makes me feel like he's found my replacement or something. And if you understood our friendship you wold know that we are like twins. We used to just look at each other and think of the same thing, but that just doesn't happen anymore, and that's why I think I'm so upset. Because it's more than me just losing my best friend, its like I'm losing a part of myself.
And I suppose I wanted to discover these blogs so that I could maybe understand a little bit better what they are really thinking that they can't tell me. And this stems from the past few weeks, but especially today. Alyssa, Anthony, Riki, Madilynn and I were studying for European History after school today because we all need to do really well on the final because our teacher is a bitch, but anyway. They had all gotten to Antons house before me and I was running errands at the school and so I text him if we were studying, and his response was more or less one out of pity. That read "well we just got here if you want to come." Which I took to mean "we're studying, and you can crash our plans if you want to, but you're really not invited."
I mean they started talking about all of these plans and adventures and things that they were doing and going on and all I could do was stand there and hope that they would include me, but of course they didn't and they won't, because they don't want me around. & wow. I feel really pathetic right now.
But I know that I'm at least half right. Because, again you have to understand, we used to text each other every 5 minutes, and now even if I make the first attempt they usually don't respond and it just makes me feel even more unwanted. I have to rely on their facebook status' in order to know what's going on in there lives. :/
So maybe I'll take a page from Brandi Carlile and just announce that, "I'm too proud to beg for your attention, and your friendship, and your time. So you can come and get it from now on." And that's just what I plan to do, ignore them and take myself out of the equation. If they want me to be in there lives its up to them to make the move otherwise I'll just fade out and be content with the fact that I did all that I could and I left it in their hands.
Also I let someone I know in on this blog. I figure she can keep secrets pretty well, and she already knows more about me than most of my friends, so really what's the harm? She's amazing, and I kind of let her in on it by following her blog and making it public. If she reads this I don't know, but at least it lets me get some of this off my chest.
On a brighter note. I figured out my course load for all of next year. I'm very excited! I hope that it will be okay.
Well until next, I'll keep living my life between thoughts.
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