Now Floating Up and Down, I Spin, Colliding into Sound Like Whale Beneath Me Diving Down

So if you couldn't tell those are lyrics to "Into the Ocean," by Blue October, and well, they're amazing. These are them in their entirety:

I'm just a normal boy 

That sank when I fell overboard

My ship would leave the country

But I'd rather swim ashore

Without a life vest I'd be stuck again

Wish I was much more masculine

Maybe then I could learn to swim

Like fourteen miles away

Now floating up and down

I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down

I'm sinking to the bottom of my

Everything that freaks me out

The lighthouse beam has just run out

I'm cold as cold as cold can be...

be...

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feel just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up, take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now come down

Let the rain come down

Where is the coastguard?

I keep looking each direction

For a spotlight, give me something

I need something for protection

Maybe flotsam, junk will do just fine

the jetsam sunk, I'm left behind

I'm treading for my life, believe me

How can I keep up this breathing?

Not knowing how to think

I scream aloud, begin to sink

My legs and arms are broken down

With envy for the solid ground

I'm reaching for the life within me 

How can one man stop his ending

I thought of just your face

Relaxed, and floated into space

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up, take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now come down

Let the rain come down

Now waking to the sun

I calculate what I had down

Like jumping from the bow, yeah

Just to prove I knew how, yeah

Its midnight's late reminder of 

The loss of her, the one I love

My will to quickly end it all

Set front row in my need to fall

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

Into the ocean, end it all

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah

Let the rain of what i feel right now come down

Let the rain come down. 

& for the record, this exactly how I feel at the moment. I was, strangely enough, listening to the radio when this song came on and I just remembered/realized two things: the first is how much I love this song, and the other is that it totally relates to me. I haven't been able to put into words how exactly I've been feeling, but blue october already did it "like I'm falling in the ocean" and how when my depression gets so low that I want the waves to take me down. Its beautimus, and accurate. 

So I did it to myself, and I really shouldn't complain, but I hung out with Anthony, Nikki and Raquel today. & yet again I felt alienated, like an interloper just destined to observe and feel excluded. It was pretty disheartening. But, it made me even more excited for college, so that I can finally stop calling them my best friends, and just step ups from acquaintances, because I honestly don't think that our friendship will last much longer. It just doesn't feel like its there anymore: the connection, the link that held us together, that let us know, with just a look that we were thinking the same thing. And I also realized that Nikki knows how to push my buttons. Like today, she knows that I want to date a certain someone and she said that I was going into a lesbian relationship... so nonchalantly that it just stuck, it made a memory that I won't ever forget because it hurt me, so bad, that someone who knows me so intimately believes that I'm a woman. And that stings, badly. I wish that I could just forgive her for it, but I can't, since I've never thought of myself as being feminine. I may not like sports, but who the fuck cares? There are plenty of men out in the world who are like me, and they are indeed masculine, so I just don't get it. I also realized that I can't talk to her about things anymore. I can't tell her everything thats going on in my life because I no longer feel that quality, that trust, that lets me open up to her. 

Anthony and I are on really bad terms. I mean we barely acknowledged each others existences while we were together, and it really just breaks my heart. I don't know what I did to make him hate me, but as I said I don't have time for people who don't have time for me, so until he changes his fucking attitude I am done with him, and even then... I still might be done with him. 

My final realization, at least in terms of my friendships is that Raquel and I are a lot a like. We go through the same states. And when we're upset we get quiet and need cheering up and inclusion. If anything she will be the longest friend I'll ever have. I really do believe that she and I will stay friends throughout our lives, but to what extent I don't know. I just know that she is the greatest friend I have ever had, and it's really good to know that I have her back. 

Besides that I have really exciting news. I got into my top choice first year seminar! :]

Its pretty awesome as its on the Welfare State of America. It makes me feel accomplished. I also figured out what activities I want to do at Brown. The activities include: 

Crew

Model UN

Ballroom Dance

Journal of World Affairs

UCAAP

Colleges Against Cancer/Relay for Life Committee

I also really want to do Tae kwon do, The Contemporary, and the Brown Concert Agency, but these are less important to me than the others, and I also plan on working, so I have no idea how I'm going to find time to do all of these things. I think I'll be able to do my priority activities and maybe Ballroom dance, and maybe the Contemporary (since its not that often), but besides that I don't know. I figure I can always learn Tae kwon do from a friend, so that should work just fine. 

I originally wanted it to look like this:

Crew

Fencing

Ballroom Dance

Tae Kwon Do

CAC

Model UN

...but that many sports would just kill me, especially if I want to really excel at all of them. & I realized that it would be easier for me to learn how to fence out of college than be a part of a Crew team or Ballroom Dance team, and that I really love writing and politics... so its kind of perfect for me. :]

Anyway. Its getting late. So I should probably just get back to living my life between thoughts. Ciao