This is the sound of settling

I'm getting on better terms with my friends- SWEET - but at the same time it really sucks because we're all going off to college in a few months. 

So yesterday we had this incredible end of crap party, which was so much fun, but like always I get the feeling that I'm just not wanted. & I don't know. I guess its more than just a feeling, its something I just can't explain. & this leads to awkward moments of quiet me because it should not just be up to me to try and feel included, but thats what its like, I have to be the one to make all the effort.

&&& after reading Alyssa's blog today, I realized how little I'm considered as a part of Anthony's life by his family.

I mean we're best friends & he and Alyssa have only been real friends since like October, and yet she gets cards and money from his family for graduating, & it's not that I expect that stuff from them, but it just makes me feel weird because it's the thought and the gesture that counts. Now I know that they didn't always like me & I sometimes wonder if they even do now, but I mean... I thought we had all moved past it. & I think it makes Anton feel weird because he has made it perfectly clear that Nikki & I are at the "best friends" level & Alyssa is just a really close friend. So it's a weird situation....

 

&&&  back to the loving place. 

So today it was confirmed that I'm going to be an uncle again!!!! & it's Hopies!!! (She's my favorite sister & my best friend). And I found out at my nephews 5th birthday party. All of this stuff is just happening so quickly in my family. 

First Hilary has baby Ziva

Then Hayley graduates from Law School

Then She gets married

Then I am the most recognized person at senior awards night, which was awesome by the way

Then my nephew turns 5

Then my sister is prego

Then I graduate from High School

Then my sister & brother-in-law graduate from college

Then I turn 18

...it's just such an eventful year..& slightly ridiculous. 

I think that my mind is too cluttered at the moment to make anything really cognizant or fully comprehensible to be written so I'll come back when I can fully put everything down without my mind going 12374891247891724927893401 miles per minute.

So until next I'll keep living my life between thoughts. 

I feel soooooo untouched...

I have low self-esteem. This is a fact. 

The problem is that I don't know why. & I suppose that I just overanalyze things, which is a huge problem, but over-analyzation can't be the only factor in my depression. 

I guess I'm just done with everything right now. School, friendships, my parents, work, extra-curriculars, honestly everything. The only people I really get excited about anymore are the friends that I'll be going to Brown with next year. 

Like, there is this girl, Rémy, and she is incredible. I mean truly incredible. She is bright, funny, smart, absolutely stunning, and really just perfect in every way. & if you couldn't tell I do have sort of a thing for her. Which is probably unrequited, but I think I would be okay with that as long as we can be friends...

Actually...no. I'm going to work on this, because I'm tired of just being the friend. We'll see. 

Anyway, she is just a prime example of what I'm excited for, the people I'll be surrounded by in college. 

.......................................................................................

Now I suppose it will be better for my thought processes if I tell the backstory to why I am undergoing a wave of self depreciation (which isn't really much of a story). 

Tonight I went out with A, N, & R, which is sweet & was so incredible because it was the first time we went out for the longest time & it felt nice, but something was missing. Anyway, we were at Red Robin enjoying ourselves and talking about random things from school, to work, to politics, to religion, to porn to everything, and Raq felt it necessary to ask me why I chose Brown over Dartmouth. 

Because I really was in love with Dartmouth for the longest time. I mean, I still am, but I do really love Brown too & I just think it's a better place for me... well as we hadn't spoken in so long she thought it was just a really quick & spontaneous thing, like I was set on Dartmouth & then the next second I committed to Brown, when in fact it took me weeks of deep thought. I mean I talked to anyone and everyone about it & then went to see the colleges and determined which place was better & so I went with it. 

But Anton had to say that it wasn't an impulsive decision because I had been thinking of it for weeks BUT that not everyone agreed with it...as in none of them like the fact that that is the school I am going to. & I guess I read into it that they really don't care about it or me, because I didn't pick the school they wanted me too. I mean not one of them has ever been excited for me about Brown & whenever I bring it up they all have really glossed over eyes. 

I just want a little excitement. Is it really too much to ask for? I mean none of them wanted Nikki to go to Wellesley but that's where she is going & whenever she talks about it they are so ecstatic for her. Maybe I'm reading too much into this? I'm not quite sure. I just want my friends to be supportive of me and my decisions and my future & its as if they could care less, which irritates me and infuriates me to no avail. & I don't think they realize just how hard it was for me to make that decision. It was probably the hardest decision of my life & they just don't have any sympathy for it & sometimes when I really analyze what I've been able to accomplish versus the rest of my friends and my school for that matter I really stand out & so sometimes I think that they are just jealous, but I have esteem issues which thus leads me to believe that no one cares. No one cares what I do or what I accomplish because I'm not a significant part of their lives...

& what makes things worse is how pathetic I am over this and other things regarding it. 

Like so many people have never even heard of Brown or if they have they don't know where it is...which is almost as bad. But more than that is the fact that when my friends have signed my yearbook they will say that I'm awesome not because of what makes me me with my intellect or kindness & the rest of my nature but have just said that its because I'm sweet. 

Well great. Fucking fantastic. I'm sweet, what is that going to do for me? Past experience warrants nothing except make people think I'm gay... so fantastic. Since no girl ever seems interested in me or they just want to be friends. Because that is what I am: the friend & nothing more. All I really want is for me to be into someone who likes me back. Is that too much to ask for? I really don't think it is & I find it so hard to make it change...except maybe plastic surgery. I'm lonely... to the point that it hurts. I'm bitter, jaded, depreciated, sad, and aesthetically displeasing... so fuck my life. 

This all sums up why I have such low self-esteem & why I am done with everything. 

Again, til next time I'll be living my life between thoughts.

Update

Gravity

Lets begin with the beauty that is Vienna Teng:

Now that we've done that...

I have come to the conclusion that I need to be in college already. 

I need to be away from my "friends." & 3000 miles is a great distance. 

Again I love them, they're amazing, but they don't deserve what I offer them. I mean every time I talk about Brown they're never genuinely excited about it. They're not excited that I got in to the schools I did. & I wonder if its just that they're jealous? Or if they just don't care. 

But, and there is always a but, at least they know how ridiculously prestigious Brown is. I only mention this because it has been really sad for me to talk to people and have the question: "So where are you going to college?" come up and once I tell them they just say "oh... is that a good school? Is it better than UNLV?.."

& I just have to look at them in awe as to how they don't know how ridiculous it is that I got in there. & it kind of makes me wish that I had picked Stanford, just because I KNOW everyone has heard of it... but that would be really lame of me, and I do know that. Stanford's just not right for me. 

Which leads me to my next point.

I'm still really bitter about college admissions. & I hope that I don't bore anyone or sound like a broken record and complainer or anything... but I'm not even that upset about Harvard. I mean, yes, it was my dream school for 14 years & it was crushing when I didn't get in & yes, I am still bitter when I talk to people who did get in, I kind of have a right to be (14 years). 

But-the great verbal eraser-..I'm more upset about not getting into Yale. 

I freaking LOVE that school. & I can't talk to my friends about it, because they would just criticize me about it & make fun of me & make me feel worthless... which they do anyway... and I really don't want to add fuel to the fire.

I guess it would just be worse, somehow. But back to Yale. I really love that school & had I gotten in I know I would have picked it because it is a much better fit for me than any school I got into. & that makes me wonder if I should transfer after my freshman year? I don't know. I guess we'll just have to see how much I love Brown. & I know that I will love it & truly comprehend that I'm going to such a great school once I get there, but at the same accord it wouldn't be that hard to believe had I gotten into Yale... if that makes any sense. I just feel like that is where I belong & I keep meditating on it and praying about it & I keep getting the impression that it is the school I should have gotten into & this makes me really sad that I didn't. It also makes me feel like a douche because I got into 6 incredibly prestigious schools- 3 ivies and Stanford that make up the most of it- that people would kill to go to & I feel like my spot at those schools would be better served to someone else & I would gladly give up all of my admissions to get into the one school that I really want to be at. 

Moving on... 

So no one really knows about this, the blog that is. Nikki knows that I have one. But she doesn't know what its called or how to find it & she shouldn't know because that would defeat the purpose of this. To vent. To let out all of my aggressions and problems and just let them go, to let them evaporate from the drumming of my keys into the interwebed atmosphere. 

I've also come to recognize that besides this, my only solace is Vienna Teng, City & Colour, and Brandi Carlile. Its as if I can't listen to any other music because its just not right for me. 

I suppose its getting late and I should start on my homework that I've been putting off for the last 3 weeks. :/

I'm so behind. oh well. I put it on myself. 

Until next time. I'll keep living my life between thoughts. Au Revoir.

Wasted

I have come to the conclusion that this year has been wasted for my friends foursome of awesomeness. 

I wrote before about how when Nikki, Raquel, Anthony & I get together we are like magic, we fit perfectly together & I realized how through NONE of this year were we all together. 

For a while Nikki & I were friends with Raquel, up until about January & I know that we all miss each other & it's really sad & we all want things to be back the way they were... but they just aren't and they never will be. I really don't know what to do. I want to be with Raquel again, because without her we're lopsided. Really we are. Raquel & I are full of ourselves & Nikki & Anthony are complete dicks & so if its just 3 of us it's a little too much & we just fight, but when it was all 4 of us we are great. 

Now obviously if its 2 of us at a time we're fine, but if it were me, R & N, me & R would gang up on Nikki... and thats what it used to be like when we were all together & now its usually me, N, A, & Alyssa (who really is Anthony as a woman) so though I love them all I always feel like an outsider & completely under-appreciated... & I shouldn't feel like that when I'm with my best friends, right?

I mean.. look at today. We watched Closer & Saved, two of my all time favorite movies & I was talking through some of it & they were yelling at me to shut up & though I understand their frustration it wasn't just a hey stop talking, THEY kept going on about it on how I just love to talk during this and that & how I ruin things... & I know that I act like I don't care.. but I do. It really hurts me when they do things like that and I know that they're just poking fun at me... sometimes... but after a while it just hurts. I try to remind myself of the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." & It makes me wonder if perhaps I subconsciously give my consent? 

I don't know if they realize that I have low self-esteem issues, though we've spoken about it & I'm sure they do, but they have really bad memories & I know that they don't listen to me when I speak. Which leads me to another issue I have.

I ALWAYS listen to every thing they say & I recall it. I know about them oh so well, but for much of what I say they just ignore me & go on about something else, again making me feel worthless. This is not something I ever had a problem with Raquel, we would always talk because we would always listen. The only person A will listen to is N & vice versa, which is why our foursome worked so well. 

&& I'm afraid that unless we all get back together soon, I will be an outsider too. I can't be friends with them if things  continue the way they do. It brings me down too much. I guess I'll see what happens & see if they recognize my validity as a friend and even more so as a person. But to be honest, I know they wont, & I know that if they had to choose between me & changing their banter they would dispose of me in a second. 

Until next time, still living life between thoughts.