I wrote before about how when Nikki, Raquel, Anthony & I get together we are like magic, we fit perfectly together & I realized how through NONE of this year were we all together.
For a while Nikki & I were friends with Raquel, up until about January & I know that we all miss each other & it's really sad & we all want things to be back the way they were... but they just aren't and they never will be. I really don't know what to do. I want to be with Raquel again, because without her we're lopsided. Really we are. Raquel & I are full of ourselves & Nikki & Anthony are complete dicks & so if its just 3 of us it's a little too much & we just fight, but when it was all 4 of us we are great.
Now obviously if its 2 of us at a time we're fine, but if it were me, R & N, me & R would gang up on Nikki... and thats what it used to be like when we were all together & now its usually me, N, A, & Alyssa (who really is Anthony as a woman) so though I love them all I always feel like an outsider & completely under-appreciated... & I shouldn't feel like that when I'm with my best friends, right?
I mean.. look at today. We watched Closer & Saved, two of my all time favorite movies & I was talking through some of it & they were yelling at me to shut up & though I understand their frustration it wasn't just a hey stop talking, THEY kept going on about it on how I just love to talk during this and that & how I ruin things... & I know that I act like I don't care.. but I do. It really hurts me when they do things like that and I know that they're just poking fun at me... sometimes... but after a while it just hurts. I try to remind myself of the quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." & It makes me wonder if perhaps I subconsciously give my consent?
I don't know if they realize that I have low self-esteem issues, though we've spoken about it & I'm sure they do, but they have really bad memories & I know that they don't listen to me when I speak. Which leads me to another issue I have.
I ALWAYS listen to every thing they say & I recall it. I know about them oh so well, but for much of what I say they just ignore me & go on about something else, again making me feel worthless. This is not something I ever had a problem with Raquel, we would always talk because we would always listen. The only person A will listen to is N & vice versa, which is why our foursome worked so well.
&& I'm afraid that unless we all get back together soon, I will be an outsider too. I can't be friends with them if things continue the way they do. It brings me down too much. I guess I'll see what happens & see if they recognize my validity as a friend and even more so as a person. But to be honest, I know they wont, & I know that if they had to choose between me & changing their banter they would dispose of me in a second.
Until next time, still living life between thoughts.
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