Gravity

Lets begin with the beauty that is Vienna Teng:

Now that we've done that...

I have come to the conclusion that I need to be in college already. 

I need to be away from my "friends." & 3000 miles is a great distance. 

Again I love them, they're amazing, but they don't deserve what I offer them. I mean every time I talk about Brown they're never genuinely excited about it. They're not excited that I got in to the schools I did. & I wonder if its just that they're jealous? Or if they just don't care. 

But, and there is always a but, at least they know how ridiculously prestigious Brown is. I only mention this because it has been really sad for me to talk to people and have the question: "So where are you going to college?" come up and once I tell them they just say "oh... is that a good school? Is it better than UNLV?.."

& I just have to look at them in awe as to how they don't know how ridiculous it is that I got in there. & it kind of makes me wish that I had picked Stanford, just because I KNOW everyone has heard of it... but that would be really lame of me, and I do know that. Stanford's just not right for me. 

Which leads me to my next point.

I'm still really bitter about college admissions. & I hope that I don't bore anyone or sound like a broken record and complainer or anything... but I'm not even that upset about Harvard. I mean, yes, it was my dream school for 14 years & it was crushing when I didn't get in & yes, I am still bitter when I talk to people who did get in, I kind of have a right to be (14 years). 

But-the great verbal eraser-..I'm more upset about not getting into Yale. 

I freaking LOVE that school. & I can't talk to my friends about it, because they would just criticize me about it & make fun of me & make me feel worthless... which they do anyway... and I really don't want to add fuel to the fire.

I guess it would just be worse, somehow. But back to Yale. I really love that school & had I gotten in I know I would have picked it because it is a much better fit for me than any school I got into. & that makes me wonder if I should transfer after my freshman year? I don't know. I guess we'll just have to see how much I love Brown. & I know that I will love it & truly comprehend that I'm going to such a great school once I get there, but at the same accord it wouldn't be that hard to believe had I gotten into Yale... if that makes any sense. I just feel like that is where I belong & I keep meditating on it and praying about it & I keep getting the impression that it is the school I should have gotten into & this makes me really sad that I didn't. It also makes me feel like a douche because I got into 6 incredibly prestigious schools- 3 ivies and Stanford that make up the most of it- that people would kill to go to & I feel like my spot at those schools would be better served to someone else & I would gladly give up all of my admissions to get into the one school that I really want to be at. 

Moving on... 

So no one really knows about this, the blog that is. Nikki knows that I have one. But she doesn't know what its called or how to find it & she shouldn't know because that would defeat the purpose of this. To vent. To let out all of my aggressions and problems and just let them go, to let them evaporate from the drumming of my keys into the interwebed atmosphere. 

I've also come to recognize that besides this, my only solace is Vienna Teng, City & Colour, and Brandi Carlile. Its as if I can't listen to any other music because its just not right for me. 

I suppose its getting late and I should start on my homework that I've been putting off for the last 3 weeks. :/

I'm so behind. oh well. I put it on myself. 

Until next time. I'll keep living my life between thoughts. Au Revoir.