The problem is that I don't know why. & I suppose that I just overanalyze things, which is a huge problem, but over-analyzation can't be the only factor in my depression.
I guess I'm just done with everything right now. School, friendships, my parents, work, extra-curriculars, honestly everything. The only people I really get excited about anymore are the friends that I'll be going to Brown with next year.
Like, there is this girl, Rémy, and she is incredible. I mean truly incredible. She is bright, funny, smart, absolutely stunning, and really just perfect in every way. & if you couldn't tell I do have sort of a thing for her. Which is probably unrequited, but I think I would be okay with that as long as we can be friends...
Actually...no. I'm going to work on this, because I'm tired of just being the friend. We'll see.
Anyway, she is just a prime example of what I'm excited for, the people I'll be surrounded by in college.
.......................................................................................
Now I suppose it will be better for my thought processes if I tell the backstory to why I am undergoing a wave of self depreciation (which isn't really much of a story).
Tonight I went out with A, N, & R, which is sweet & was so incredible because it was the first time we went out for the longest time & it felt nice, but something was missing. Anyway, we were at Red Robin enjoying ourselves and talking about random things from school, to work, to politics, to religion, to porn to everything, and Raq felt it necessary to ask me why I chose Brown over Dartmouth.
Because I really was in love with Dartmouth for the longest time. I mean, I still am, but I do really love Brown too & I just think it's a better place for me... well as we hadn't spoken in so long she thought it was just a really quick & spontaneous thing, like I was set on Dartmouth & then the next second I committed to Brown, when in fact it took me weeks of deep thought. I mean I talked to anyone and everyone about it & then went to see the colleges and determined which place was better & so I went with it.
But Anton had to say that it wasn't an impulsive decision because I had been thinking of it for weeks BUT that not everyone agreed with it...as in none of them like the fact that that is the school I am going to. & I guess I read into it that they really don't care about it or me, because I didn't pick the school they wanted me too. I mean not one of them has ever been excited for me about Brown & whenever I bring it up they all have really glossed over eyes.
I just want a little excitement. Is it really too much to ask for? I mean none of them wanted Nikki to go to Wellesley but that's where she is going & whenever she talks about it they are so ecstatic for her. Maybe I'm reading too much into this? I'm not quite sure. I just want my friends to be supportive of me and my decisions and my future & its as if they could care less, which irritates me and infuriates me to no avail. & I don't think they realize just how hard it was for me to make that decision. It was probably the hardest decision of my life & they just don't have any sympathy for it & sometimes when I really analyze what I've been able to accomplish versus the rest of my friends and my school for that matter I really stand out & so sometimes I think that they are just jealous, but I have esteem issues which thus leads me to believe that no one cares. No one cares what I do or what I accomplish because I'm not a significant part of their lives...
& what makes things worse is how pathetic I am over this and other things regarding it.
Like so many people have never even heard of Brown or if they have they don't know where it is...which is almost as bad. But more than that is the fact that when my friends have signed my yearbook they will say that I'm awesome not because of what makes me me with my intellect or kindness & the rest of my nature but have just said that its because I'm sweet.
Well great. Fucking fantastic. I'm sweet, what is that going to do for me? Past experience warrants nothing except make people think I'm gay... so fantastic. Since no girl ever seems interested in me or they just want to be friends. Because that is what I am: the friend & nothing more. All I really want is for me to be into someone who likes me back. Is that too much to ask for? I really don't think it is & I find it so hard to make it change...except maybe plastic surgery. I'm lonely... to the point that it hurts. I'm bitter, jaded, depreciated, sad, and aesthetically displeasing... so fuck my life.
This all sums up why I have such low self-esteem & why I am done with everything.
Again, til next time I'll be living my life between thoughts.
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